When spontaneous erections are unpredictable this can lead to shining a mental ‘spotlight’ during sex.

Imagine a great bright shining beam focused on your penis, demanding it to rise on cue. (People with vaginas often experience this too).

It is no wonder this experience is often called ‘performance anxiety.’

Rather than being in the pleasure of the moment, the mind is busy with questions:

“Am I wet enough/ hard enough/ is this good enough / is my partner enjoying this?”

When there’s an expectation during sex (aka ‘Great Sexpectations’), a should/ ought to/ must, this actually makes it harder to experience what you want: co-created pleasure and connection.

Instead, that sense of ‘needing to perform’ can trigger a stress response. As I’ve mentioned in a few videos (including ‘why your erection needs a holiday’), stress is erection Kryptonite.

One Tip: ask a different question.

The mental component of sexual function is of course a lot more complicated and individual than just one tip. But for some, one new idea can have a positive ripple effect. So here’s an idea to try.

Next time you’re in a sexual space (either alone or partnered) and your mind starts asking a ‘spotlight’ question like “Are we going to get hard enough tonight?” use that as a cue to ask a different question instead:

What does this type of touch really feel like? What does stroking my partners hair feel like? How does my partner’s arms feel to touch? What does making eye contact with them feel like?

Take the spotlight, move it from performance to sensation, and see what happens.