Is spontaneous sex with erectile dysfunction possible?

This article is one of a dating series written by single guy following his prostate removal 10 months ago.

Along with major continence and sexual function changes, sexual spontaneity has also taken a hit post prostate surgery.

Prior to my Prostatectomy, I had a high libido and initiated sex with partners regularly and spontaneously.

Spontaneity was a vital ingredient to vary the predictable routine that can easily develop over time.

Post op, I still have a high libido.

But now, there’s a routine of ‘passion killing’ exercises that accompany sex:

1. Pop a Viagra half an hour before the thought of being impulsive has even arisen.

2. Give ‘Pedro’ (the affectionate nickname I’ve given my downstairs friend) a wash to avoid any urine smell from incontinence.

3. Engage in the physics of vacuum science to enhance my anatomical best friend.

4. Get some towels out in case of any surprise leakage (arousal incontinence, another interesting challenge to navigate post surgery).

5. Check I have lube handy.

6. Confirm that any play toys are fully charged and readily available to join in.

7. … And while this is all going on, I am supposed to be kissing and caressing my partner to a point of desire that she wants to jump me.

Can you relate to this multi-tasking feat?

When dates were getting heated, that ‘passion killing’ list occupied my mind.

How am I supposed to pause the passion and casually say:

"Can you just hold for about 15 minutes, whilst I do some sexual function admin?"

Because of this fear of failing, I did not try to be impulsive with lovers.

I wasn’t going to start something that I could not  finish successfully.

As a result, I was becoming a boring lover.

Which for me, is more devastating than not getting an erection!

I don’t want to be that boring, routine driven, non-impulsive lover.

I want to be just as desirable as any fully-functioning male.

So, what have I done to avoid retiring from my sex life prematurely?

Firstly, I focused on recognising my capabilities, and accepting the deficiencies of my body.

I own them. I can’t excuse them. I can’t fight them.

Secondly, I got creative and thought up arousing ‘impulsive ideas’ that had nothing to do with my physical function.

With these impulsive ideas planted in my mind, and my partner’s mind too - Spontaneity is BACK!

Thirdly, I realised that these impulsive ideas had something in common: choosing a place other than the bedroom for some passion and foreplay.

How to move foreplay out of the bedroom…

Spontaneity is simply about breaking the routine.

So choosing a place other than the bedroom for some passion and foreplay breaks that routine instantly!

It may be a beach, a walking trail, a weekend cottage, a cinema, a darken street, the couch, the kitchen table, the floor, the car. The list goes on.

Note: this reflection piece was written pre-Covid, if you’re currently self-isolating then the list might be limited to different rooms of the house for a while!

Foreplay could start early with simple caresses over dinner, it could be a passionate kiss whilst walking home.

I have instigated many non-bedroom places of passion. You are only limited by your imagination, and of course, your partner being onboard to.

Also keep in mind, timing is everything.

If your partner is downloading the events of an arduous day in the office, your attempts of spontaneous foreplay will be more of an annoyance. So pick your moment.

I’ve talked to female friends and lovers about their sexual needs and desires. I’ve noticed an interesting differentiation between the two.

Yes, they need to be satisfied sexually in whatever ways work for their bodies.

But usually their desires are more psychological.

The desire to be pulled into a dark recess and kissed passionately. To feel a male body pressing against them. To be caressed under the table.

Notice how none of this requires an erection.

You and I have the power to initiate this spark.

If my spontaneous gestures get the passion train rolling, then I’ll pop that little blue pill to give myself all the chances of what may follow.

But at the same time, I reassure myself that I’m more than just a penis.

The other working parts of my body have the skills to keep this passionate moment going way past the point of no return.

Here are some moments of ‘off-piste’ spontaneity that have worked for me:

• Pull her into a dark corner of a bar, kiss her, caress her. The chance of being caught can be exciting.

• If you have started on the couch, stay on the couch. Don’t stop the passion by going to the bedroom. Let the passion overflow onto the floor. Beware of carpet burns, but maybe you have also strategically placed a Pedro piddle towel nearby (or upgrade to a Liberator Throe that can surreptitiously always be on display and double up as a comfortable blanket). Trust me, she will love you more knowing that you’re not going to stain the couch.

• One time my lover arrived at my house and I passionately kissed her as soon as she walked through the door. Without drawing breath, the kitchen table had a whole new purpose.

• Think about taking your more discreet toys on a field trip. I once took a small bullet vibrator out of the house on a weekend away, a tantilising experience on an uncrowded beach generated many happy moments. 

I’ve also learnt to be open to spontaneity from my lovers.

If a lover tells me she’s aroused, I try to go with the flow and not assume she wants the whole erection-creating routine.

Talk with your partner about this idea too, find out what scenarios make their skin tingle.

And with those ideas in your head, try them out when the moment feels right.

This has worked for me, and I hope it works for you. 

You can read more single-and-dating post prostate guides here, and through his personal blog.