Why it feels awkward talking about sex - and what to do about it.

 

Here’s my theory.

Sexuality suffers from the dud end of a cognitive bias: the familiarity bias.

The mind is designed to trust positive exposure.

Unfortunately, at some point in life we’ve all encountered a joke, TV show, advert, friend, religion or family member that tied shame to sex for pleasure’s sake. A negative association.

This does not reflect the actual facts about sexual pleasure from a health perspective (of which there are many), but it gets recorded with the brand of ‘bad’ none the less.

So it makes sense to have an emotional reaction similar to a threat response when it is brought up in conversation, especially with a new person, and even in a formal setting like a doctor’s office.

What can we do to change the conversation?

In my experience the more I conditioned myself to find conversations about sex very normal, familiar and comfortable I find this has a spillover effect on the person I am speaking with - whether that’s a client or friend (also a few Uber drivers!). They respond to the comfort and positive association, this experience is now recorded as a positive, safe association with sexual pleasure.

And there’s a palpable relief when this happens.

There’s definitely an aspect of conscious re-conditioning we have to acknowledge when it comes to talking openly and helpfully about sex.

My journey of exposing myself to positive associations around sexual communication included immersing myself in a sexuality boutique talking to people about sex products. Then when I taught design students how to interview people about sex, I got them to shout the word ‘clitoris’ over and over again in my lectures until it had lost all awkward connotations.

That’s a bit of a high-level commitment though.

If you want some positive exposure to sexual communication,

 
Victoria Cullen